


Therapy, you were never a friend to me

by peachyjungwoo



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, PTSD, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-08 15:50:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15933608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachyjungwoo/pseuds/peachyjungwoo
Summary: Jaemin is a tired therapist and professor who arrives to work one day with his ex from college sitting in his waiting room.





	1. Chapter 1

Jaemin enjoys his jobs even though sometimes they break his heart. Teaching psychology at a local college and being a trauma-focused therapist means he deals with heartache on a day to day basis. He’s met so many young and pained souls. It wasn’t necessarily easy, but the important part was that he was able to be of help to those who felt hopeless and lost. It made the job worth it in the end.

Jaemin’s eyes felt heavy as he rushed up the stairs to his office. He was already late but today had to be the day their elevator was out of order as well. Disheveled, out of breath, and late to his first appointment of the day, he knew he was already making a terrible impression. 

His assistant was beaming at him when he entered their waiting room. 

“Jaemin this is Renjun, your 12’ o clock for the day. We were just finishing up the paperwork.”

Glancing at the fidgeting form in front of him, Jaemin knew he was pailing. It had been years since he saw Renjun. They were both still in college when they drifted apart.

“I’ll leave you guys to it.” And they were left alone, his assistant leaving with the paperwork Renjun had signed. 

Jaemin forced a soft smile onto his lips. He had to be professional no matter how shocked he was.

“I’d like to start off by saying if this will be too uncomfortable I can recommend you to a different therapist. There are some lovely therapists around, even if they’re not specialists in this particular category. It could be beneficial.” 

Jaemin felt proud at finding his voice. 

Renjun shook his head, finally meeting Jaemin’s gaze “I’d like it to be you.”

“Alright, the first thing we’re going to do is an evaluation. This will help us see what types of traumas and symptoms you’re facing so we know what to focus on. When you answer, answer with “Not at all” “Some of the time” “Most of the time” or “All of the time. Do you understand?”

Renjun nodded and Jaemin started going down the list. 

“I often feel like I have no control over my life.”

“Most of the time.” 

“I often have repeated, disturbing memories, thoughts, or images of a  
stressful experience from the past.” 

“Most of the time.”

Renjun’s eyes were back on the ground as he answered. Jaemin missed the Renjun who would answer with unwavering eye contact and enthusiasm.

 

“I find myself avoiding activities or situations because they reminded me of  
a stressful experience from the past.” 

“Some of the time.”

“I feel a loss of interest in activities that I used to enjoy.”

 

“Most of the time.”

“Feeling distant or cut off from other people.”

“All of the time.”

“Feeling emotionally numb or being unable to have loving  
feelings for those close to you.”

“Most of the time.”

“ Feeling as if your future will somehow be cut short.”

“All of the time.”

“Trouble falling or staying asleep.”  
“All of the time.”

“Being "super-alert" or watchful or on guard.”  
“Some of the time.”

“Feeling jumpy or easily startled.”  
“Most of the time.”

“Having strong negative feelings such as fear, horror, anger,  
guilt, or shame.”

“Most of the time.”

 

Despite trying to be strictly professional, Jaemin could feel his heart breaking at the boy he once loved feeling so burdened. 

 

“Can you recall when you started feeling this way, Renjun?”  
“A few years ago, it was after some incidents that happened with my father.”

Jaemin wanted to press, wanted to know what Renjun’s father could have done to have the man sitting in front of him feeling this way. Instead, he gave a small smile and focused on keeping eye contact with Renjun. 

“For this to work you have to believe it will. It’s going to be tough to talk about. There are times where you might be uncomfortable, but I’m not going to throw you into the deep-end, Renjun. 

We’re going to work through this step by step. I’ll be right here with you. The first step to healing is accepting you have a wound, to begin with, and to stop blaming yourself for that wound. You being here means you’ve already faced one of the biggest steps. You’re not broken, Renjun, you’re just hurt.”

 

Renjun couldn’t stop his sobs as he clutched his pillow tightly to his chest. ‘Not broken’ Renjun wasn’t sure he could ever be changed. If these emotions would ever change. How could Renjun not be broken? He couldn’t even function like a normal human being anymore. It had been years but the pain had never gone away. It had been years and he could still feel the giant hole in his life where Jaemin was supposed to be. 

Renjun huffed softly, he’d have to believe things could get better. He had to believe he could get better, that he could be stronger than this. He wanted to be happy again.


	2. Chapter 2

_“I don’t want to be a business major. I want to take art classes, dad.” Renjun didn’t care that he was whining. The thought of being an accountant or stuck in a boring office day in and out was terrifying him. It wasn’t the life he wanted. He didn’t want to be stuck at a computer screen looking over numbers and policies every day._

 

_“That’s too bad, Renjun, we’re paying for you to be a business major. I’m not wasting our money for you to go to school to paint. Do you know how stupid that sounds? What am I supposed to tell my friends when they ask what my son is doing? Wasting his life away trying to make a living out of doodling.”_

 

_Renjun shrugged not wanting to answer. It didn’t matter what his dad told his friends, whatever he said would be bad, regardless._

 

_“In the trash.”_

 

_“Dad, you’re overreacting.” Despite fighting to keep his voice steady, Renjun couldn’t help the tremor his words held._

 

_“Now.”_

 

_Renjun sighed sadly throwing his sketchbooks and pencils into the trash bin._

 

_“Happy now?” Renjun stomped back upstairs to lock himself away in his room._

  
  


Renjun put his tablet away with a deep sigh, pulling himself away from those memories so he can start his day.   
  
The next time Renjun meets with Jaemin it’s in a less professional setting. Jaemin had chosen a quiet coffee shop to meet in for their next appointment. Apparently, the atmosphere was supposed to help ease Renjun’s nerves and allow them to connect better. From the table where he sat, Renjun could see the small bookshelf from across the room. He could see rays of sunlight landing in obscure places throughout the area. The quiet chatter from the few customers around them nothing but an ambient noise in the background of Renjun’s mind.

 

He was supposed to be telling Jaemin about himself but he was confused on what he could actually say that Jaemin didn’t already know.

 

Renjun feels like he’s on autopilot. He can’t fully remember the journey he made to find the cafe. Despite not being able to fully appreciate it given the circumstances, the atmosphere of the cafe was cozy.

 

“Is there something on your mind Renjun?” Jaemin asked, noting the unease on Renjun’s face.

 

Renjun couldn’t tell if the moments passing in silence were as long as they felt. Had it been minutes or only mere seconds, Renjun couldn’t be sure. It shouldn’t be so hard to talk to someone, and yet Renjun can’t even bring himself to speak to the person he’s wanted to talk to the most in the last few years. All of the things Renjun planned on telling Jaemin if he ever got the chance had died down in his throat.

 

“Renjun, what are you thinking about? You need to let me help you.” Jaemin reached out, letting his palm rest over the top of Renjun’s hand in a comforting manner.

 

“I’m anxious and I’m scared if I start talking I won’t be able to stop. I’ll make a mess out of everything and regret it later.” Renjun

 

“Your thoughts won’t ruin anything here, Injunnie. This is a judgment-free zone. You need to be able to share these feelings that are draining you.”

 

“I feel like everything I do is wrong. No matter how hard I try, it feels like it’s not going to make a difference.”   
  
Jaemin squinted his eyes and Renjun didn’t know if he should fear the scrutiny they held.   
  
“The things that you’re doing that feel wrong, are you doing them for yourself or for someone else?”

 _  
_ The question made Renjun pause.

 

“You’re not here to please other people, Renjun. That’s not the purpose of your life. Even if it feels like you need to, your purpose isn’t to please others. You don’t need to.”

 

Renjun nodded.  
  
“This week I want you to try only doing things for yourself. Not doing something because you have to do it, not because you were asked to do something, only do the things you want, sound good?”   
  
Renjun’s face scrunched up softly. “Is it really that easy?”   
  
“Things are never as easy as they sound, but it is a start.”   
  
Jaemin pulled his hand away making Renjun flush at the realization of how long it had been there.   
  
“I’m giving you my number, I want you to text me or to call me if something goes wrong, okay?”   
  
Renjun felt his throat tighten, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to tell Jaemin why things turned out this way.   
  
Renjun shoves the piece of paper that Jaemin handed him into his pocket.

  
“I’ve missed you Renjun.” Jaemin smiles as he walks away to pay for their coffee.

 

Renjun’s left to fight the tears that are already forming at his departure.  
  
It takes Renjun a few minutes to calm down and leave the cafe.   
  
Renjun’s thoughts are full of another person’s voice in his memory as he walks home.

  
_“Stay away from him.”_  
  
  
  


Maybe it was best if Renjun just slept the day away, at least then he could escape the memories that were wanting to cloud his mind.  
  
Things don't always go according to plan, though, seeing as Renjun is pulled from his nap by frantic knocking on his door only a few hours later. Sadly, sitting up on the couch and glaring at the offending racket did nothing to stop the noise. With an irritated huff, Renjun pulls himself up off of the couch to answer his front door.

He’s greeted with a bright smile.

__   
“Lee Jeno do you care to explain to me why you’re banging on my door like you’re about to get murdered.”    
  
“I brought cookies and take out. You wouldn’t have answered the door if I wasn’t, don’t lie.” Jeno shoved his way into Renjun's apartment setting the food down on the coffee table.   
  
Renjun whined sadly and let his head fall onto Jeno’s shoulder. “I was napping, you jerk.” 


	3. Chapter 3

_  
_ _“Why are you crying?”_

 

_Renjun startled, quickly trying to dry his eyes. He had come outside for fresh air but couldn’t hold back his misery. This was the first party he had came to alone after his breakup with Jaemin and he couldn’t help but feel out of place._

_  
_ _“It’s nothing.”_

 

_“I’ve had a really bad day too, we can talk about it if you want? I’m Jeno, by the way”_

_  
_ _Renjun looked up nervously debating if he should trust the person in front of him._

_  
_ _“Alright, but you first.”_

_  
_ _Jeno gave a soft smile and sat down next to Renjun on the sidewalk looking up at the night sky._

_  
_ _“My professor hates me. I wound up failing my exam because of a family emergency. He wouldn’t allow me to reschedule, it was either “be there or you fail.” There’s a chance I’ll graduate late because of it. My mom doesn’t think I’ll be able to pass the class even if I retake it. They just want me to come home and work for the family business.”_

  
_Renjun’s face scrunched up in distaste_ _  
_.

_“I’m sure you can pass the class if you plan it out and confront what you don’t understand head on. Take a different professor’s class if another professor is teaching it and just get help early on for whatever you struggled with last time. It’s not a waste, especially if you’ve already dedicated so much time into graduating. And graduating a little late sucks but it’s better than not graduating at all. You should go for it.”_   


_Jeno laid back onto the hard ground._   


_“It’s better to try and fail than to not try and never know. Plus, you can leave a terrible class survey for that professor.”_   


_Jeno snorted. “I’m shocked he’s still around with how many students fail or drop out of his class. Half of the class had stopped coming after the first half of the semester.”_

_  
_ _“You’re kidding! Is he really that bad? Remind me to never take that class.”_

_  
_ _Renjun laid down next to Jeno, cringing at how cold the concrete felt._

_  
_ _“Now are you going to tell me why you were out here crying by yourself?”_

 

_Renjun whined loudly but he was always more likely to open up after downing cheap booze like he did before he came outside._

_  
_ _“ Fine, I had a breakup and it made me realize how out of place I am. Whenever I see him in passing he’s smiling, happy, surrounded by people. It makes me happy he’s doing well. I just never had to realize how out of place I was in social settings or how lonely I really was before we broke up. Sometimes it feels like he’s better now that I’m out of his life. It makes me wonder if it’ll be like that with me for everyone in my life.”_

_  
_ _“So you’re feeling lonely without him, Is this the part where I offer to buy you take out and become your best friend? Because I will.” Jeno teased, rolling over on his side to face Renjun._

_  
_ _“We really should get up, the ground’s pretty dirty.”_

_  
_ _Renjun chuckled and shook his head._

_  
_ _“Let’s just look at the stars for a little longer first.”_

_  
_ _Renjun just wanted to hide a little while longer with Jeno by his side._

Renjun sighed looking at the bottom of the empty take-out carton in his hand.

“Come on! We should go, you know you want to.”

 

“Jeno” Renjun sighed exhausted, trying to think of the right words to protest. Renjun didn’t like crowds. He didn’t like people too close to him. He didn't like events. It had been that way since their senior year of college. Someone had become Renjun's friend as a joke, after an entire semester Renjun was left humiliated.   
  
They had become close, gained Renjun’s trust. Renjun almost had a crush on this guy who was only looking to make a joke out of Renjun's sexuality. Or maybe he was just looking to make a joke out of Renjun in general. His trust had been violated and so had his privacy.   
  
The number of people who had witnessed his humiliation made Renjun want to transfer to a college far away. New people and big crowds always made Renjun anxious after that night. Jeno had to help Renjun with his busted lip and the cuts he had on his body because he had felt content to just leave them be.

 

“It’s your favorite artist’s exhibit and I’ll be with you.” Jeno pouted.

Renjun glanced down at his phone, his thumb hovering over Jaemin’s contact info.

 

To: Na Jaemin

I want to go to an art exhibit with my friend but I’m too anxious

  
  
From: Na Jaemin

Do you know why you’re anxious?

  
  
To: Na Jaemin

…….Yes.

 

From: Na Jaemin

WIll you tell me why you’re anxious?

 

To: Na Jaemin

Definitely not.

  
  
From: Na Jaemin

Please?

 

To: Na Jaemin

Not tonight, someday.

  
From: Na Jaemin

If I go with you and your friend to help talk you through your anxiety and to help you ground yourself, will you tell me in our next appointment?

 

From: Na Jaemin

Renjun?


End file.
